Never had silence been so loud to her before.
She could feel all their eyes looking at her, and all she wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow her.
Or that rapture could suddenly happen.
Anything at all to get her out of this situation.
It wasn’t that she hadn’t known that they didn’t like her, but she had thought maybe they would show a little bit more restraint. She expected this kind of cattiness in the music world out there, but not in a ‘safe place’ like in church.
“That is uncalled for Maria and completely unnecessary.”
Hope turned and looked at Sky, in true Sky fashion he was defending her, even from people trying to fight for him, it was, after all, his job that people thought she was after.
If only they knew…
As their eyes met from across the room, she felt a familiar sadness well up in her. She had missed the mark on a lot of things in her life, and one of them was standing across the room from her.
I gave him up to sing, and now I have no song left... was this justice?
Once upon a time, she and Sky had been really close, and she had made a mess of things.
Like every other area in her life.
“I don’t want to lead any songs,” she said, mainly to him.
Not like I could anyway.
She wanted him to know she wasn’t after his job, she needed him to know that. Regardless of the fact that they had no future together, what he thought of her, would always be important. And he was already disappointed in her, she didn’t need to add any more coal to the fire.
He watched her back for a few minutes, probably thinking things over before he nodded.
To say that she was relieved that he understood was an understatement.
And thank God he didn’t ask why I don’t want to lead anything.
That was a can of worms she didn’t want to open in front of these people.
Her relief was short-lived though, because Sky was never one to leave things alone.
“Then you won’t have to, but you can play the piano for me, and back me up for the offering special.”
No! No! No!
Fear seized her heart and she looked up at him, imploring him to change his mind. She was tempted to shake her head and throw a tantrum, but she could still feel everyone’s eyes glued on her.
Why? Why is he doing this to me?
Her trek to the piano where he was standing was slow, and she hoped he would release her from the task with each step she took.
He didn’t though, and Hope was feeling so scared, and anytime now, she might start crying.
She really didn’t want to do this, she didn’t want to sing, or play the piano in front of these people. She didn’t want to do it in front of anyone.
She sat down heavily on the bench and blinked her tears away. Letting them see her cry was also not an option.
Don’t cry! Don’t cry!
She turned back to Sky, who was now standing behind her, blocking her view of everyone else, and looked at him with tear-filled pleading eyes.
She was met with a familiar stubborn face, and kind eyes, that if she could still read them, were telling her to trust him.
That was a big ‘if’ though, it had been a long time since she could tell what he was thinking.
“Let’s practice first; maybe start with a classic. Can you play, ‘It is well’?” he asked.
Could she play ‘It is well’?
He really hates me…
Of course she could, that was their song. Well, it had been their song 5 years ago and she had played it so many times, and in so many different ways. She could play it in her sleep!
But she hadn’t played it in a while, it was a representation of what she had walked away from. A representation of her betrayal.
Is this payback?
“We used to play that a lot, I am sure you can play it with no problem, even if your skills are rusty.”
So maybe not payback? Did he not realize how much that song hurt?
Was he trying to tell her something, or did he just pick a song he knew she could play even in distress?
Should I tell him I lost my song?
Maybe she would have…if they didn’t have an audience.
Taking a deep breath, she started to play the song, just letting her fingers do the work while she worked on her breathing.
She couldn’t panic, now was not the time to have a panic attack.
Her fingers did not pause, even as her breathing became more labored, and her emotions got out of control.
Wasn’t it ironic that she was losing control, even while playing a song that spoke about being at peace, no matter what?
She was drowning, right there in front of everyone, and they didn’t know it because she had learned how not to show it.
She couldn’t show weakness, not back at work, and not in front of these people.
And she couldn’t even sing too, because while she could fake it for the world, God would always get the real her.
And the real her was struggling to breathe.
And then she felt a hand on her shoulder, and suddenly the fear wasn’t so suffocating. She took a deep breath, and another one, until she could almost breathe normally.
It was Sky.
And somehow, he still had the power to hold her together.
If only she could take him into the studio with her and to all the shows she had to perform in with her girl group.
As her breathing got easier, she wished she could sing along with him, just like old times.
She missed that feeling, the feeling of being lost in a song, it had become so foreign to her.
The words wouldn’t come out though. She kept her mouth shut.
Maybe I could hum?
Maybe she owed him that much? After-all, he had helped her calm down. Could she do it?
At first she struggled to make her humming match the song, but as they kept going, it got easier and easier. And soon, she almost sounded good.
Would this be enough for him?
What kind of a singer was she, when she couldn’t even sing?
No, she didn’t want to steal Sky’s job, or take control of the choir, like Mary had accused. She wasn’t trying to use either her status as ‘superstar’ or the fact that she was the Pastor’s daughter to make changes in the choir.
All she wanted was this, the freedom to sing without having a panic attack.
She just wanted her song back.
And her old man had been right, being around Sky would get her back where she needed to be.
She wasn’t where she needed to be yet, but she would get there.
Even the cost of spending the next three months being ridiculed and judged by the choir was not too much of a payment to get her song back.
Jesus should have been enough.
Shaking that thought away, she acknowledged that yes, He should have been, and even more than that, He was.
But maybe Sky was His instrument because, with Sky, she could get back to worshipping as she used?
Same as how being around her dad had helped her to start reading her bible again.
Or maybe that was all wishful thinking, but what else was she supposed to do?
The battle is His…
Yes, it is, its His battle. She may have lost her song, but in Christ, she would get it back. Maybe Sky wasn’t even going to help her much more than this, but that was okay too.
Jesus had promised that He came that she might have the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. And while despair was all she had felt for a long time, a shift was coming.
One day, soon enough, there would be no crying herself to sleep.
One day soon, she would have her song back.
The Lord Jesus loved her, and He would provide for all her needs.
Because He loves me, I will receive double restoration…that means quantity and quality right? Maybe my voice would sound even better?
Either way, Jesus restored that which took not away, that’s what her dad had reminded her. That had to include her will to sing too right?
But just thinking about Him healing her and restoring to her like that, was so far from what she had been thinking just the previous week.
She was glad she was here.
Maybe, just maybe, maybe coming home hadn’t been such a bad idea.
Because right now, right here, it is well, with my soul.
# # #
Thanks for reading my short story. I hope you enjoyed.
Has anyone ever struggled with worshiping God? While this story was specific to losing the will to sing altogether, I think sometimes as Christians we go through phases where worship is just hard.
Or we forget to even do it unless we are in church.
Or even then, when we are in church, we can’t even connect and are just saying the words.
I hope this short story can remind someone of God’s love. I hope it can remind us that He restored to us, that which He took not away. He gave us the garment of praise, and in Him, we can get our song back.
We can get our praise back.
One thing that helps is worship music. Find worship music you can listen to and soak yourself in. I can recommend Elevation Worship, Lauren Daigle, and Jaime Grace.
Find people who worship in a way that touches your heart and reminds you of His love, grace, and favor.
If you are interested, I have two blog posts on my site where I recommend some song, you can follow the worship tag and read them.
Otherwise, just find something that works for you.
If you enjoyed this, please comment down below, maybe share your experience. You can share with a friend who might need this as a form of encouragement.
Be blessed, and remember that you are loved and highly favor.Find me on Social media: