I have been thinking it is time that I stop punishing myself.
😅I probably need to qualify that statement, I am not willingly punishing myself for anything, it’s just something that sort of happens.
I need to give my heart a break from all the pain I am causing it by internalizing failure. And I have failed a lot more than I like to admit.
By dwelling on my failures and not allowing myself to move forward from them, by letting my failures feed the anxiety and the stress always seemed to linger around. Fueling too, the moments where I felt depressed and prolonging them in a way I truly hate.
Somehow when I experience failure, I have been internalizing it all and letting it lie in wait, to influence any more future decisions or projects. And again, I haven’t been doing this consciously, but that is the best way I can explain it right now.🤷🏾♀️
I have had an enormous fear of failure for a long time, an enormous fear of disappointing myself and others. And to honest, it has been controlling my life a while now. But yesterday I had a moment of just letting go. I have recently been reading on right believing leading to right living and I also listened to a sermon that was titled Faith says God has given. Each of these impacted my mind in a way that I see myself headed in a different direction.
“As you have believed, so let it be done for you.”
Failure’s control over my life is coming to an end.
I have to mention that I have tried to break free from this for so long and have failed over and over again but yesterday something just clicked. And I have to keep believing that this is the end of it all because right believing leads to right living.
I was also reminded that perfect love from Christ casts out fear so I did not need to stay stuck in my fears. So my vine life from now on will also consist of reminding myself every day just how much I am loved. Since I started listening to Pastor Prince, I have been a firm believer in the fact that what I needed more than anything was a fresh revelation of His love and to grow in the knowledge of that love.
Here is a devotional that talks a little bit about this:
God’s love makes you strong by Joseph Prince
So in this post, I am going to show a part of something I have written for my project for Camp NaNoWriMo. The project is based on my fantasies while carrying an element of truth.
This particular part I will be sharing I wrote just last night as I came into this new revelation so it’s an inside look into how I was feeling and where I am coming from right now.
Kassie sat back in her chair and looked at what she had written. She was trying to keep track of her imagination but it hadn’t been as easy as she had thought it would be. She daydreamed way faster than she could write. But that was fine, she had finally decided that letting go was okay. Letting go of the pressure she had put herself under and accepting the possibility that she most likely not going to be able to meet her target. After listening to some sermons and reading a few devotionals, she had realized that she was putting herself into a panic by holding on so tightly to her dreams.
She had just come to the realization she only had 5 months left and that publishing 5 books in the next 5 months was kind of pushing it. Especially when now she was doubting the wisdom of publishing the story she was currently writing. She was doubting the wisdom of choosing the story as her project for Camp NaNoWriMo. She had been so sure it was a smart decision when she started, but now she wasn’t so sure it been wise.
She was struggling a lot and part of her was beginning to realize why. For a long time, the story had been fantasy focused on overcoming something she was experiencing in her life and showing the growth she wished she was experiencing. It had been her way of coping with real life and not at all a story she had ever thought she would actually write. And because of that, sharing the lessons she had always imagined herself getting a hold of and not letting go, was so much harder than she thought it would be. Maybe it was because she was trying to write for other people? How would she write if she was writing just for herself?
Already she had stopped trying to stick to any specific chapter that wasn’t working for her and she was moving on from places where she was struggling to write and starting with the areas that seemed to come easier to her. It had helped her a little, and she had been able to get a few more words down through that.
But she was realizing that she would prefer to write a story where she actually talked about where God had really taken her from, and how He had moved her from a valley to a better place. She didn’t want to just guess what it could have been that got her through or to make up something as the reason her life had changed. She really wanted to have the story mean something by being able to show people how the Lord had lead her out from her nightmare, and she couldn’t do that when she had not experienced it herself.
This had caused her to consider changing her story for Camp Nanowrimo but she had ended up sticking to it. It would take her some to figure out what to write if she changed and she only had seven days left so it was not worth it. Plus the process had not been a total waste because even if she probably wasn’t going to publish this story any time soon. Without it, she would not have come to the place she was in right now, the challenges she had faced had led to much-needed growth. Other stories would have been so much easier for her to follow through that they might not have impacted her as much.
It had helped her come to the conclusion that putting pressure on herself for a plan that she had made based on her own personal desires, was not worth the pain it caused. She still wasn’t quite sure what direction God wanted her to take for her career so maybe what she had planned was not even in His plan for her. The question of whether she was supposed to self publish her own books or make money from publishing web novels was one she hadn’t yet to find an answer. She had decided that stressing over it all was just not worth it. If she was supposed to do it and accomplish it all, God would lead her through it, but otherwise, she needed to stop punishing herself for her failure to meet her plan.
She had already failed to be productive for the last seven months and there was no changing that. Only Christ could restore the time that the swarming locusts, the consuming locusts, and the devouring locusts had eaten, and help her to redeem the time that was left. And to do that she had to open herself up to His leading and His restoration instead of finishing all her energy trying to accomplish it on her own. So no more punishing herself as there was no more condemnation in Christ Jesus.
It did not matter if she did not accomplish all the goals she had set for herself, it wouldn’t be the first time she had failed. But it would be the first time she didn’t punish herself for it though, this would be the first time where she consciously reminded herself she had no control and just let go. And it would be the first time she truly lived in the gift of no condemnation.
Even for Camp NaNoWriMo, it would be okay even if she didn’t meet her word count. She had faith that by His grace she could do it but if she didn’t, that would be okay. The Lord would still lead her to where she needed to get to. He knows the plan He has for her, plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her a hope and a future.
Her success was not determined by what she accomplished as a person, by what she did. She was a successful person because the Lord was with her. She needed to get that through her head and remember it for what it meant. She might not even get half of the things on that list done in the next five months, but that was okay, she was already a successful person.
The Lord is with Kassie, and she is a successful person.
Just thinking about that had removed so much weight from her shoulders. Sure she still didn’t know how she was going to make money to sustain herself but God would take care of that, it wasn’t dependent on her.
The battle truly is the Lord’s.
So there you have it, that’s what I was thinking at that moment. I have had moments of a little bit of fear that I would forget the whole thing and get stuck in my thoughts again but I refuse to give such thoughts power over me. I am going to be actively bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, I cannot, sure, but Christ can.
And in Him, I can do all things.
Perfect love casts out fear, and His perfect love for me is casting out every fear from my heart and mind.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
Here are a couple of links to devotionals that talk about God’s love as the antidote to fear:
The Antidote to fear by Joseph Prince.
Live fear-free in God’s Perfect Love by Joseph Prince
So this another new beginning, a turn for the better.
This is my year of the latter rain, and I will experience it and enjoy it.Follow me on Social media: