It’s a battle but He’s got me

VL Diary - Worship
Choose to depend on God, Trust the Heart of Love

Last night was difficult, I spent the whole day working on a blog post that part of me felt was not going to be read anyway. Why spend time on it then, because I believed it was a part of my WHY, why I am doing this in the first place. It’s to give glory to the Lord, and to write things that will bless His people. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I had just stuck to romance fiction, YA and science fiction. Maybe I could have be less conscious about what I am posting and trying to sound correct. But then again, I could have still just failed anyway even while doing that.

Maybe it’s just the sermon I am writing on? Will things get easier when I concentrate on the Steven Furtick sermons and Michael Todd? I could just link the sermons and someone can just watch the whole thing on YouTube or listen on Podcast? Will it take less time then or will still be led to write thing out anyway for those who don’t want to watch or listen on their own?

You know what would be awesome…hearing God saying you are going in the right direction, “what you are doing and how you are doing it has My approval.” Wouldn’t that be the life? Because I find myself failing to shorten my blog posts and not knowing if anyone is going to read it. Will the one or two people who read it the day I post it be only ones to ever read it? And are they even finishing it or they are getting bored in the middle? I mean, who has time to read long blogs these days when you can just listen to a podcast or watch a YouTube video? Should that be what I am doing? Podcasts and videos? They are a part of the plan going forward, but should I just start them now for these long posts?

I really don’t know what to do, because as I am writing my blog, I feel like it needs to be in there to show the whole story. But yesterday’s post took 5 more hours than I expected to post it and it was twice as long as I wanted. Hours I should have dedicated to catching up on my 4000 Camp NaNoWriMo word…I was only 1000 words behind, now it’s 4000…thanks blog post.

Was it even worth it?🤔🤷🏾‍♀️ Because at the end of the day I was in a bad mood and unable to control my emotions. Situations I could have handled better if I hadn’t posted so late, had me feeling bitter and slightly angry 20minutes after posting a blog post talking about not being angry or bitter and receiving an over-abundant restoration in Christ. He is after all my 120% restoration.

And then I started to get mad because the stupid theme on my blog won’t allow me to put widgets on the side. It says it has them, and all month I have been trying to activate them but I have failed to do so, and it’s only just clicking now in my mind that maybe they show up only on the Premium version? So now I need to find a new theme that works with all the elements I want and I don’t have the money to get a premium theme…just perfect.

And then the slight guilt over not following my own thoughts and feelings advice? Perfect. Just perfect…

But I did try and I managed to calm down after about an hour or so, then I decided to listen to music. I think I have a new playlist because every song I played had something to say about my emotion.

Here they are:

  1. The first was – Never Alone | Tori Kelly

Life is just some highs and some lows? Ehhh…But I do believe in miracles, I need one right now. And knowing that I am never alone… Hallelujah!!!

I do carry the shame more often than I want to admit and I feel like I am not good enough all the time, so the reminder that Love call me His own….AMEN!!! & Hallelujah

My imperfections are a part of your plan? Like I hope they are cause I am tired…Lord please make this all to work together for Your glory, to bless your people, and for my good somehow. I need this broken to be beautiful

2. The second song was – You say | Lauren Diagle

Guys, I can’t comment on this song, the whole song just reads me in a way I can never explain. Those voices in my mind just have to go, I have the mind of Christ, 120% restoration guys. And I like how she asks, ‘am I just a sum of every high and every low’…remember the line in Tori’s song? I am what He says of me, only sometimes the believing gets hard…

My confession: I am loved, I am strong, I am held, I am His … I believe… I do, I really do, but sometimes I let that belief get clouded by everything else. But I do believe

The only thing that matters though is really every thing He thinks of me, in Him I find my worth and in Him I find my identity.

I lay it all at Your feet Lord, You have every failure and every victory

3. The third song was – Echo (feat. Tauren Wells) | Elevetion Worship

That first verse…He is still calling me and He will be my strength. He is enough for me, and because He will never give up on me I will never give up on myself.

His love is holding on and it will not let go

In every season He keeps repeating His promises to me…and praise God, hallelujah, there is no stopping what He has started until it is complete. Like I have said before guys, I am work in progress and He faithful to complete the work He started in me.

4. The last (definitetly not least) song was – Beautiful Day | Jamie Grace

Guys, the emotions this song has brought me through over the years could never be quantified.

Wake and smile … honestly though I seem to only ever listen to it at night…but He is still the refuge I can’t wait to get to – maybe that’s the problem, ending the day with it instead of starting the day…hmmm

But I can’t let a day go by without thanking Him for the joy He brings to my life…cause sometimes, it’s the only joy I have. I have asked before, what does it feel like to be happy? I can’t remember…

And when trouble seems to rain on my dreams it’s not a big deal…I need that attitude yall, because He is showing me than in Him I am free and you know what, He really is the refuge I’ve just got to get to.

It’s a beautiful day because I know He loves me and so I got to get my worship on. There is just something about the way His love shines on my face even when I am deep deep in my feelings.

And in Him I have no room for worry and doubt because no matter what comes at me, He is always the Beautiful I sing about, and write about and all that.

So yeah, I love the song and it remind me that no matter what, I am going to need to tell of His righteousness all the day long, in my writing, in the lettering, the drawing (mediocre as they all are), I am going to have to do it.

The following songs would also have to be on the list:

  1. Fighting for me | Riley Clemmons

I have been listening to this since I found it four days ago.

2. With You | Elevation Worship

This video came out yesterday and discovered it just as I was about to post this blog but I have been waiting for this. I heard it once during a live sermon and fell in love immediately!!!. Guess what song is going to be on repeat now?

It’s just…wow…this is going to probably get it’s own diary entry.

So I am going to keep meditating on the fact that He is my righteousness, I am I AM’s, He’s got me.

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VL Diary - Worship
Choose to depend on God, Trust the Heart of Love

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