Wondering, Wandering or Walking?
I love Tori Kelly, and on her album, two songs I love are It is Well and Never Alone, and these two songs have been speaking to me a lot today. It feels like a lot has been going on since my last diary entry and these songs have just inspired to me to sit down and write, so I am even listening to them as I write. When I say it feels like a lot has been going on, its mostly emotional, but nothing much has changed in the physical. Somehow I found myself in limbo, where I just cannot seem to move and I have been stuck there in the past two weeks. The opposite of what should happen in my life happens when I am in that state, instead of being busy busy on the outside and resting in Christ on the inside, I do the exact opposite.
And in this state, I accomplish nothing, not in the physical, and rarely even mentally ever. To explain what I want to explain I am going to have to use the analogy of a car. Pastor Prince once said that God cannot guide a parked car and I have been reminded of this over and over in the past two weeks with the sermons I have been listening to. God keeps saying to walk but I don’t know where to, where I am going, God? Then the sermons I am listening to say that you have to trust God to guide you, and God cannot guide a parked car but getting up and walking…I guess this diary entry is my first step. This first step took well over a week to get to though and I am not sure how easy taking the next step will be.
And here is the thing, it’s not like I don’t have some idea of what I want to do and where I want to go, but its this idea of its what ‘I’ want, but what does God want? I feel like I have been either in a state of wandering or wondering- while parked, for such a long time in my life and I don’t want to be there anymore, but how can I walk and know that I am walking and not just wandering again? And so my cry had been for God to just tell me what the next step is, where do I go from here? Problem is, I tend to hit an imaginary stop sign and then never move even when there is no reason to stay where I am. I stop there and ask for for the direction that so far has not been so forthcoming, or maybe it has an I am just bad at listening.
And a lot of this I know came from not knowing where my provision is, God is my provider but so where is the provision. Do I already have it or is it coming? I think that’s the question that has been in my head all this time, where is my provision? Is it already in my hands or its on the way? So what am I supposed to do now God? And I can’t really hear anything clear so whose to say if I start walking right now I will not walk in the wrong direction? However, at the end of the day, I cannot stay here either, I am just going to have to walk anyway, or at least try to. So its really fear of getting lost that’s keeping me here, fear of making the wrong decisions.
It’s that illusion of control thing again, I have no control in this situation so I don’t know why I think I do. They say God still speaks even today and He will guide us and show us the way, but I guess I might have to get a little lost somewhere before I hear His direction? The statement that God cannot guide a parked car keeps coming to mind but my stubborn brain says God can do anything He wants to, He is God, after all, so technically speaking, He could give me direction while I am here. However, I do know that I need to get moving, I need to say goodbye to this illusion of comfort I am wrapping myself in and move forward because the truth is I am not even comfortable so I don’t know what it is exactly I am holding onto.
This is not my safe place, it has never been and will never be, and while the control freak in me does not like walking in the dark and wandering aimlessly, we have to let go and possibly get little lost. Faith says we won’t get lost though because we have a shepherd guiding us to where we need to go, a shepherd who loves us and who makes us to lie down in green pastures and leads us beside the still waters. Jesus loves me and said He will never leave me nor forsake me and I need to remind myself of this every day. But more than reminding myself of this, I need to just get up and start doing what needs to be done. Getting up and getting started has been easier said than done though, I have planned, cajoled and coached myself over and over again but the progress has still not been forthcoming.
Let’s not despair though, I am writing now so there is some progress, we are definitely beginning to walk out of this little holiday we had taken at the start of our journey. Why I decided to take this unscheduled rest before I even got anywhere I don’t know but we are getting up again and we will get going. Maybe this time instead of planning to dive into the deep end we will take it slow and plan from the shallow end? Or we will just take it one day and a time and see how that plan unfolds, I don’t know.
What I do know though is that I am not alone and it is well with my soul.
I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, I am I Am’s, He’s got me.