Flowing in the Vine Life Diary – 11
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139 vs 23 – 24
So today I want to talk again on this idea of seeing myself as Christ sees me. This is a little hard when you have experience in the opposite negative end. The idea of Christ consciousness versus self-consciousness is something I have battled with a lot for the longest of times. I mean we are taught to self-introspect and really look deep inside ourselves and maybe find out all the things about ourselves we need to change. That method always makes me more depressed rather than leading down a path of recovery.
Like my mind doesn’t know when to stop, it sees all the wrong things and starts condemning us and we just keep going in a downward spiral before we either shut down or decide it’s not worth it and choose something else to concentrate on. And it’s usually not something life-changing, unless if in the opposite direction, the direction we are trying to run from, to begin with. So I don’t do self-introspection, and to be honest I don’t really need to cause my mind tell me what’s wrong with me all the time anyway, I don’t need to meditate on it. So this idea of letting God be the one to search me, letting Him be the one to know all my anxious thoughts and asking for Him to lead me in the way everlasting is the best option for me.
The problem has been, I could never concentrate too long on Jesus, my mind just always used to get distracted easily. They say see Jesus in your situation and yeah I see Him, but my emotions just never seemed to get the memo that Jesus is bigger than it all. I have known intellectually that He’s bigger and He’s awesome and He’s got me and He loves me but my emotions have been tripping. Anxiety and worry were as I have said before my two constant companions, and I expected them there. Like I think I have seen myself worrying and anxious almost as much as I have seen myself failing. I had formed a pattern, and no matter how much I dreamed for a better future and sometimes envisioned a better future, I just always let that nasty old movie of failure come in.
I let the fear come in, and I entertained it and fed it until it was all I could see. How sad is that? While I am believing for supply, I would see the demand and the lack and because I understood them so well and knew them so well, I allowed them to hang out with me and distract me from seeing Jesus. Now Jesus was there always, but I would entertain worry, fear, anxiety and all that bad stuff then I would go to Jesus and complain about it. I would tell Jesus about it and ask for His help and then walk right for a few days or weeks and then I would somehow open the door to them and entertain them again.
The bible says that we should be transformed by the renewing of our minds but my mind was refusing to move from that place of fear and defeat. Well, right now I refuse to let that happen anymore. I am instead going to consciously choose to plat the right movies in mind, but I am going to also give Jesus the reigns and let Him take the wheel because I cannot do it myself. How I am going to that, I don’t know, but right now I am going to look at the cross and see myself succeeding in Him. When I read what He says about me in the word, I am going to do as Pastor Prince says and see a vision of it. I will work at picturing His promises and letting them renew the movies in my mind.
And right now, I am already seeing it working, I choose to see it work, I choose to have faith in Him, that’s all I can do.
I also choose to wake up every day and remind myself that He is my righteousness, I am I Am’s, He’s got me.