Flowing in the Vine Life Diary – 10
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1 vs 7
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4 vs 18
Failure…its used to be one of my biggest fears. Now I live by the truth that I have not been given a spirit of fear, so even fear of failure no longer has a place in my life ( 2 Timothy 1 vs 7). Here is the thing though, reality has been taking a little time to catch up with the truth that I know I live by, same as that situation of saying as Christ is so am I in this world and yet certain situations try to make me believe otherwise. I have heard more than once that the devil is a liar and he is a deceiver, in fact, I think most, if not all Christians have heard this but I think sometimes we forget it, or maybe we are unaware of some of his tactics.
Now let me preface this by saying I don’t believe that we ought to blame the devil for everything that happens in our lives. I mean some of the things we face could be a result of our own wrong decisions or because of our stupidity even, and some things happen because of the choices of other people in our lives, and last but definitely not least, some things happen because God is trying to shake something from our lives or even to bring something in our lives. It’s not always from the devil unless of course, it’s sickness and/or death. God is never responsible for sickness and death as the bible clearly says that death is an enemy. Plus it would be counterproductive for Jesus to use two of the things He died to free us from as a weapon.
So I don’t believe that everything we experience is from the devil but fear? I definitely think that is something he uses to keep us from getting to whatever destiny God might have for us. The bible says he goes about like a roaring lion seeking him who he might devour, but you have to realize, he goes about like a roaring lion, he isn’t actually one ( 1 Peter 5 vs 8). Which means its really a fear causing tactic because, for most of us, fear is crippling. I know it has been for me for a long time. I had a lot of fears including the fear of failure, the fear of disappointing others…and myself, so I just didn’t try sometimes. I mean you can’t really fail at what you haven’t tried now can you? I used to tell myself that one day I will get it done; one day, when I can and I know I won’t fail, I will do it.
Now let’s be honest, there is no worse way to live life than that because what if that day never comes, in fact, it never would have because to do what I want to do, I have to go through a process of learning and in learning, failure is kind of inevitable. So because of this, I gave myself a month to allow for failure, back in July and August when I was planning my future. I had planned for September to be my month for trying and failing dismally. However, things did not go quite as I had planned. Instead of being able to leave work at the end of August as I had planned, I only got to leave in the second week of October. Now as you can imagine, that put a hole in all of my plans. This is because, in my mind, October was supposed to be a fruitful and productive month. I was supposed to have a writing portfolio by now and I was supposed to be starting applying for jobs and maybe even be making a dollar or twenty on some freelance writing projects or something.
I had this picture in my mind that was organized by months and did not allow for flexibility because I had this fear that if I didn’t keep to the plan, then I would not be able to do any of what I needed to do. Now bear in mind that this was before God changed my name and assured me that He’s got this and we will succeed, one way or another (being, of course, His way that I have yet to figure out). So I was still under more than a little bit of bondage. So in my mind, I had to have a month of failing before I got productive and hit the ground running in October. The problem was, I only got free in October, the month I was supposed to be productive, but my mind was also still convinced that we were supposed to fail before we got productive.
Now I think this caused a problem because I haven’t been as productive as I should be, and I have been going around pretending that I have it under control. Not to other people but more to myself than anything else. I was doing stuff sure but not to the capacity I know I can be going things and then pretending I will get stuff done and pressuring myself until I gave up because I have been trying to run from failure. Instead of just sitting down and admitting that things were not going very well in the way they should be, I was just telling myself that we would fix it and get it done. I was afraid to admit that I was failing until I remembered last night that I had planned for this, I had planned to fail before I succeeded. That’s not really a Jesus girl thing to do.
Knowing you might fail and planning to fail are two totally different things. I have to admit that calling the first month after work a ‘resting’ month was me planning for the inevitable failure I expected to experience. And so the reason I am failing is probably that I had the faith for it, I believed in my ability to waste a whole month away.
Now I know perfect love casts out fear, so I just need to see myself more in Christ and His love for me. As He is, so am I in this world means I cannot be a failure, and while I may fall short sometimes, failure is not who I am. Seeing myself in His love means I need to see myself like a tree planted by the rivers of water that bears fruit in season, and whatever I do shall prosper. I need instead to believe that He is the vine and I am the branch, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And instead of seeing and visualizing failure, I need to see what He has put in my heart, success.
I need to see myself loved by Him.
‘Dear Cassie, believe in this instead, that Jesus Christ is your righteousness, that you are I Am’s and He’s got you.’