VL Diary – The struggle

I am I AM's
VL Diary - Seeing myself through the lens of His Love for me

Flowing in the Vine Life Diary

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2: 20

I have come to discover that the first words or first scene or the first idea of whatever I am working on is the hardest part for me to come up with. Of course, that statement in itself implies that after the first part, things get easier for me and I am able to finish what I started but that, to a larger extent is not at all true. Mainly because I almost never successfully start anything, to begin with, but also because I seem to lack the diligence or the patience to do what needs to be done.

The idea of something always seems nice but the moment work has to be put in to get what needs to be done along its way…somehow it just never works out. Now the natural assumption people have when I try to explain …or give excuses… as to why there is no progress in my life towards what I say I want to do is to say I am just being lazy, that is of course if they even take me seriously to begin with. I am not about to deny the opinion that I am lazy, I just probably wouldn’t want to admit to your face because it’s not like I want to be like this right?

I should have probably started with the disclaimer that this is blog probably will not make sense. Its probably going to be all over the place because one I am trying to write this down and post it before I find another excuse to wait and do it another day, and two, I want to say a lot of things but I don’t know what to say. To be honest this all sound better in my head and so I would like to believe a video might have been better but let’s not get started on the reasons and the excuses of why that’s not an option right now. The point is, I don’t know what to write and so I will probably be waffling all over the place. Like right now as I write I consider the fact that maybe I should have started with God, who He is to me and the reason why I am starting this whole thing, to begin with. And the reality is that if I try to change things now, then I am going to look at just how bad what I already wrote is and what a wrong direction I am going. Once I realize that I would want to change everything and then have to figure out how to start again. So maybe I just start again mid-way?

Hi, I am Cassie, and I am a child of the Most-High God. I believe that I am I AM’s and I am accepted in the Beloved. That’s of course not to say I am perfect, in fact, I am quite the opposite of that word, as evidenced by how I started this blog. I have been going through this phase in my life where I genuinely believe that I want to live for Christ and put Christ first in all things but as can be seen from when I started, that is still a work in progress and it probably will be a work in progress for a while. I want to live for Christ and all I can say is that I am trying.


(Weeks later.)

So I obviously failed to post this the night I had told myself I wanted to post it. In fact, it’s about three weeks later but I have decided to just add on to this and post it. The most rational thing would be to have started anew or to have at least pretended like I am just starting this. I could have just written more and posted it like something I had just worked on but in my mind, it would defeat the purpose of keeping a chronological online diary of sorts that helps me to see where God took me from to wherever I am going to end up. I have to, of course, keep in mind that where I think I am headed my not necessarily be where God wants me to be or where He is leading me so I am definitely going to get to look at this one day and consider the journey he would have taken me through.

After this post, I am going to be posting things that I wrote before intending to post but I never actually got to do it. The strategy I am going to adopt is putting dates on each of the entries I would have written so as to keep track of how my thinking processes would have evolved over time.

The question I have been asking myself is why am I making this public, I could simply just keep a diary and read over that to see where God would have taken me. But I keep coming back to the idea that someone could relate to the craziness that is my thinking or at least at some point I might actually have an encouraging word for someone in need in my ramblings. I have thought before of writing articles about whatever the Holy Spirit would be teaching me at any particular but I always ended up with a blank page so I am momentarily giving up on that. Maybe as I go, He will give me that ability to write those kinds of posts but for now, this is the best I can do.

I believe that I am meant to be a writer. I believe that even as my purpose is to give glory to the Lord Jesus Christ and avail myself to be used by Him to impact His people in whatever way He chooses, the way I can do it is through writing. Now while I can do this through fiction, and I am in fact working on learning how to do that, I have decided to try this way out as well. In this ‘diary’ entries I will ramble on about what I will be experiencing at the moment or what I would have experienced at one point or another but it will also be heavily directed in the direction of what God is doing in my life.

I might also just write about a sermon I just listened to, a verse I just read or a revelation I just received one way or another. Or I might go more personal and talk about my feeling and what I may be hearing from the Spirit regarding whatever season I may be going through. I feel like I need to give another disclaimer that these posts will probably be all over the place and might not make sense at times but the aim is generally to come to a place where I allow the Holy Spirit to lead me with my words to a place where I can give glory to the Lord Jesus Christ and somehow impact a couple of people for Him.

With that, I am going to finish this post by reminding myself that I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus and He is my Salvation. I am I AM’s and He’s got me in His arms and so He’s got this too.

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VL Diary - Seeing myself through the lens of His Love for me

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